My Own Ground Zero; or, The Fall and Rise of Gigi Goldfinger

Ground Zero

noun

  1. the point on the surface of the earth or water directly below, directly above, or at which an atomic or hydrogen bomb explodes.

  2. Informal. the very beginning or most elementary level:

Ground Zero; or, The Fall and Rise of Gigi Goldfinger

My Own Ground Zero

3:00am. I bolt awake staring intensely at the ceiling.

Where am I? In my bed. In my home.

The moment I realize where I am a voice from inside my head begins to scream. Loud.

I become conscious that in just a few weeks I will not awaken in this bed, or in this house ever again.

My house is now for sale. The sign went up yesterday.

This house with so much history.

This house where I fell in and out of love so many times.

This house where I lived, and then moved out, and then moved back in to.

This house where I spent the vast majority of my adult life with my mother.

This house where I sang to my mother and held her in my arms as she took her last breathe and left the physical world.

This house, is now for sale.

*

For three years I have planned my exit strategy. A safe and stress-free way to quit my job and transition to a new home.

Things don’t always go as planned.

Instead, it became imperative for me to leave my work place immediately, without backup, so then selling my home was moved forward even though I haven’t found my future home yet.

So here I am, soon to be jobless and homeless. Two things I feared most my whole life.

My ego, or rather fear, is what has been screaming and waking me at 3:00am for the past two days.

Whereas my spirit, my consciousness, is at peace and knows that everything happens exactly as it is supposed to happen.

There is an irony. My clothing brand that I have been working on for the last few years is a charity based business donating money to help ALL Americans have a place that they can call home.

HOME, the ideology and actuality of the word has been something that I have obsessed over ever since I was a little kid, and now, technically, figuratively and literally, I will be homeless.

In fact, in a matter of weeks, in addition to the lack of job and home, I will have let go of even more of my belongings. The 5% of what I have left over from my previous 2 years of purging, will be far less.

I will know my exact financial worth down to the penny, and for U.S. standards, it will be extremely low.

*

I have no idea where I will be in a year, or even a month from now for that matter. I can’t predict what I will be doing at any given point of time.

I have no idea where I’m headed and this is all foreign to me.

This is not how I have lived my life up until this point.

I chose safe and predictable for a long time. I chose that because it is what I wanted to give to my mom and it was the right thing for me to do at that time.

Now, is shift, change, flux, uncertainty.

Now, is rebirth.

Now, is happening.

I am so blessed to have such amazing friends, several of whom have offered love in the form of assistance.

I know that everything is going to turn out just as it should. “Should” being good.

Right now I really feel that the world is my oyster, and being a serious fan of seafood I take that to be a very good thing.

I will continue to write about my journey and what’s it’s like to be solo on the planet in hopes that it resonates with others.

*

I am a woman

I am single

I am alone

I am jobless

I am homeless

I am solo.

I am more than my circumstances.

Welcome to my own Ground Zero.

Gigi, x

 

 

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